Question:

My Daughters have just Dissed me as though I don’t exist anymore! They are all grown adults, 50, 44, & 43. None live close by but 2 live only a couple of hours away and the youngest lives in another state. All married except the ‘Middle One’ just lost her Fiancee, who passed away in January this year, 2009. I am their ‘Mother,’ age 69yrs old at this point and ‘Retired,’ living alone, (their father and I Divorced years ago), with very little income to live on. Not nearly enough for ‘Food’ so I have to stand in line with the ‘Homeless’ to get ‘Food’ that’s mostly ‘Old & Outdated’ and sometimes so bad you just have to throw it in the garbage! It’s usually the stuff that the Supermarkets throw away. The reason I am writing is because I am so ‘Hurt & Heartbroken’ over the way my daughters are treating me. The ‘Middle One’ hasn’t even spoken to me for almost a year. Anytime we had talked I had to be very “careful” not to say the wrong thing that might upset her. It seemed I could hardly ever say anything that didn’t upset her, so I would mostly just try to ‘Listen’ and “Agree with her.” I have cried my heart out at times and ‘Talked and Apolgized’ numerous times concerning the ‘Arguments’ I had with their Father during their growing years, (this is a lot of what they have ‘complained to me about’), yet they continue to “Berate Me” and tell me “I was Abusive!” The funny thing is, I didn’t hear ANY OF THIS until I “asked for Monetary Help,” and some ‘Repayment’ of all the money I had given them for so many years, long after they were grown and gone!

Answer:

Your daughter’s are grown adults and have all decided that they want to distance themself from you. I can only imagine how disappointing, frustrating and saddened you are by their decision. It is a good opportunity to reflect upon your relationships and ponder why it is their are feeling so hurt and angry why they initiated this choice. When they call you abusive — this is how they see it from their perspectives. You need to reflect on how you feel and respond to their alligations. Even though you may not necessarily see the arguments as abusive, they may and it is very real to them. They will have a difficult time listening to you or opening their heart toward a relationship with you if they don’t feel listened to, acknowledged, and heard. Instead of quickly responding to them or potentially getting defensive, you may want to ask them to further explain their hurt, let them know you are interested in understanding their pain and anguish and ask how you can contribute to the repair. In other words, what is it going to take to re-build the relationship you so badly want to be part of because you care so much about them. For them, they may feel that asking them for money after not feeling connected to you is further hurtful because typically the exchange of money among family members happens when a family relationship and connectedness exists in the relationship. You also asked for them to “repay.” I’m also wondering if they had a reaction to the way you asked for help. Generally children feel that parents are obligated (that it is an intrinsic responsibility because they were given birth to and not asked to be born) to provide for them and that they don’t need to repay their parents. They might have had a negative reaction to you expressing it to them in this manner, especially because in their perception, they were abused. You may want to approach them differently. Perhaps saying, I know we may not have had the kind of relationship that you were hoping for or that was satisfactory to you, I am reaching out to you as a mother because I could really use your help with food and want so much to work on improving our relationship. You mean the world to me and being distant to you is so hurtful to me. Could we talk more about this? That way you’re reaching out to them. Letting them know how much you truly care about them and inducing empathy so that they understand your situation better and may reach out and offer you assistance now and into the future.